Truthful Tuesday

As you may have noticed, it's been some time since my last post. This is partly because I've been very busy involved in new ventures but mainly because my blogging interest has waned. I hadn't seen Vic and Alyssa in over three months. In the last month or so I'd been, well I want to say I'd been thinking, but really it was more a feeling. I've been feeling that it was time to let our sexual escapades come to an end. There were no arguments. I wasn't mad at anyone, or vice versa. I just felt like it was finished. I didn't care either way if I had sex with him (or erotic play with her) anymore. And I felt that wasn't a good position to be in. You shouldn't feel indifferent towards your lover. This is not to say I feel indifferent towards Vic as a friend. I still care about him. Even after the talk we had last week.

Late last week Victor and I had a talk in which we decided to end things. Totally. No sex, no friendship, no nothing. That wasn't exactly what I'd wanted. I thought we'd remain friends even after removing sex from the equation. This next section is what I felt and wrote immediately after our discussion:

The end. I felt like crying. Oddly enough he brought it up and not the other way around. I didn't realize. I guess I just never really thought about saying good bye. He's been a part of my life for almost 8 yrs. He was always there to talk to and now, gone, just like that. I'm not very good about letting people go. He was my first and a good friend, a confidante, an adviser, a listener. He really cared. I guess when you really care you do have to let them go, right? And even though it's basically what I wanted, I didn't expect it to feel like this. It's most definitely a loss. There's an ache in my chest right now, where I'm holding the tears. Maybe I'll let them go later. But I wanted to get this down while it's fresh in my mind.

I thought we were on the same page. No more sex, but keep the friendship. That's what I thought, that's what I wanted. But he wanted a break altogether which really threw me. He said our relationship was throwing him off. Which I didn't really ever think about. But I guess I should have. Vic had started another blog entry a couple weeks back about the two females in his life and the roles we played and how it all worked. He never finished it but I remember a bit of it. He wrote about how it was weird that he could have a loving wife at home and still miss me so much. And I don't know how often I was brought up in their bedroom and how that might've made Alyssa feel about things.

She once told Vic that she couldn't dislike me if she wanted to cause I was so nice. But I'm sure being reminded of your partner's desire for another woman during moments of intimacy with him could get to you. I certainly don't want to nor did I plan to come between them as I care a lot for them. They're great people. Ours was an unorthodox situation. And one of course that I knew was never to be a forever deal. But who knew the end would hurt like this.

That's what I wrote last week, started before we'd even finished talking. I didn't cry that day, although it hurt. I have to respect his wishes and because I care for him I want him happy. Alyssa too. I wish them a (continued) great life together. I'll miss them.

And so with the end of our relationship comes the end of my blogging. I won't shut it down because others may stumble upon it and enjoy reading it. I have one more story to tell but I wasn't sure I should, all things considered. Please leave comments and you can let me know if you'd like to read about our last intimate encounter. I've enjoyed sharing my journey with you.